I heard we made out
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
