You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
