she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
