nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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