best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
