I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
