There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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