i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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