I want to walk on stilts...naked
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
