I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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