I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
