Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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