I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Boobs speak an international language.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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