so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
