he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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