Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
