she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
