is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
