now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
