My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
