Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
