____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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