Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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