The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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