I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
