I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
