I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
