Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
