Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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