Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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