More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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