I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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