he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
