did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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