when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
