I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
