i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
