At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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