I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The air was thick with penises
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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