Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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