update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
