I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
