we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
