Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
