The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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