Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
