Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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