I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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