You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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