i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
