Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
