I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
