All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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