So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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