You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
