He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
