I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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