I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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