Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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