I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
