Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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